Candy Hustle

Submitted by L_ANSARI on Tue, 09/19/2006 - 6:53pm.

Day 50
September 19, 2006

Things I am getting really sick of eating:
1. Apples and bananas
2. Food from a box
3. Salads and stir fried vegetables of any and all kinds
4. Desserts with artificial sweetener

I miss cheese. I miss fat in things like cake and bread. It’s weird, but you can actually taste the fat in foods once you have been deprived of it. Just when I think I am handling this diet ok or really getting into the swing of things, I have a day like today.

It really started very late last night. Noah and I had taken a trip to the Halloween Superstore (insert scary noises and ghostly howling here) and we were talking about candy. I am not proud to say that I instigated this conversation for the sole purpose of feeding my candy fix without actually eating any of it. Now, conversations with a three year old aren’t all that profound or complex. Then again, I sound a lot like a three year old when I talk about food and foods I want to desperately want to eat. It went something like this:

“Are you excited about Halloween, Noah?”
“Yeah! I’m going to be Zorro!”
“Yeah, we’re going to dress up and knock on people’s doors and say-
“Say “trick or treat!”
“Yup, and then we will say, “May we have some candy please?”
(Silently watching with a smile on his face)
“And we’ll get all those cute little pieces of chocolate, and snicker bars, and Kit Kats, and M & M’s-
“Oo! M & M’s! M & M’s!”
“- And jelly beans and lollipops…Oh, I just love Halloween!”
“Me too. I love Halloween! Mommy! Halloween is today! Yea!”
“Well, no sweetie not yet. But it is coming very soon. It’s my favorite time of year because we can dress up and get lots of candy. So, once they give you candy, can you say, “Hey can you hook up my mom with some candy too, yo?”
(Noah laughes. Tries to say it. I have him practice a few times)
“Yeah, but you can’t eat a lot of candy Mama, or you’ll get sick.” Noah holds his tummy.
“Oh! Yes, of course (throat clearing). What a smart little boy you are. Of course. Not thaaaaaat much. Just a little bit of each!”
“A little, tiny bit, and then you can have more tomorrow.” Noah points his finger as if lecturing.
“Yes, yes, of course. (Throat clearing again. Composes self) What a smart child you are (condescending pat on shoulder)”

I tried to get my son to hustle candy for me! What’s wrong with me? What’s worse, I got busted and then actually got talked down by my three year old. I’m not even kidding you, he actually instructed me not to eat large quantities of candy all at once. I imagine I looked a little insane conspiring about trick or treating with a little kid and then getting even more excited about it than he was. I’m sure I was drooling too, which just adds to my humiliation. And where did he get that come back?!?! Don’t eat too much or you’ll get sick? Where did that come from? I’m embarrassed to say it probably did not come from me. Noah has never been a great eater and certainly not a kid who needs to be told to slow down and not eat too much. He also isn’t big on sweets. I consider this totally freakish. Well, at least someone is giving him good advice unlike his mother who is working herself into a frenzy just talking about candy!