I Don't Know How To Feel

Submitted by L_ANSARI on Wed, 12/06/2006 - 6:51pm.

December 6, 2006
Day 127

The last week has been bizarre. A week of ups and downs, highs and lows. On the one hand, my son and my partner who just moved in are getting along great. We consulted a therapist before he moved in to discuss my three year olds feelings about another person living with us, what he would think of Mommy having a partner, etc. The first week was kind of madness and my son was really acting out. But in the last week, with helpful behavioral techniques from the therapist, my son is actually doing great. We all seem to be getting along well together. He even lets him start tucking him in! That was a job reserved only for Mommy! Even the rude behavior, name calling and tantrums seem to have given way to normal interacting between the three of us. It is awesome! It almost feels like my partner has been here forever. Now wait, as soon as I say that the tantrums will begin again. No need to jinx myself so soon! In addition to this, my partner got a car so now I won’t worry he has to rely on me to take him around. I am always afraid that will make him feel bad. Anyway, it is so cute. I want it! He has already volunteered at my son’s school to put up some playground equipment and is getting to know people. He totally knows his way around already and it took me two years to figure out the city when I moved here.

On the other hand, I have been an emotional roller coaster over the last week as well. My son goes to school with the daughter of a family that has been missing for two weeks. It is a small school and we all know each other. It has been all over the news so I’m sure most of you know who I am talking about. The mother and two children were found a few days ago but the father is still missing. Of course, all the parents at school have been very upset. We have had a gathering, sort of a vigil, on Monday. It is weird to be happy and terrified at the same time. I feel guilty for having my son and partner to go home to. When the family returns, we have all signed on to help with the day to day activities. Each parent gets a day or week or something. We haven’t worked out the details. It will be very different if they return with dad than without him. There will be a tremendous amount of grief work and trauma to handle. This is already affecting the parents who feel survivor’s guilt and the children who notice the little girl is missing from class. I imagine it will be a very painful time for everyone in the next coming months and probably years.