Day 22- Trapped

Submitted by BaylorBlondie on Wed, 05/17/2006 - 7:34pm.

The good news is that with my horrible off-diet eating habits, I haven’t gained weight.  The bad news is that I haven’t lost weight.  That scale sits there at 138 lbs.  This is 2 lbs towards my goal, but not as far as I thought I would be.  I’m not that concerned with the numbers.  One motto I’ve gone by is “It’s not how much you weigh.  It’s how much you look like you weigh.” 

These past few months have been really hard on me because I’ve always been the skinny girl.  I have never given a thought to what/how much I ate or if my clothes covered up trouble spots.  I would constantly deal with accusations of looking anorexic and laugh inside because I ate like a pig and barely exercised.  I have never associated myself with the word “fat.”  I feel like the thin girl trapped in the chubby girl’s body.  I remember the exact day it hit me.  Last year, I went to the chiropractor and had to first get X-rays.  He put up my side view X-ray, and I began to cry.  I looked very pregnant.  I had looked that way for some time but it truly had never hit me.  I mentally thought I was still a size 0.  That one event completely altered my perception of my own body and other girls’ bodies.  I find myself constantly glancing at others tiny hips/waist/tummy and comparing it to my own.  Fashion magazines are the worst for me.  I try my hardest to completely avoid them.  I’m getting better at telling myself to stop comparing my body to other girls when I catch myself doing it, but it’s still difficult.  I started to put on weight during the wedding planning.  In a way, I feel like I’ve lied to my husband.  It’s silly but I feel like he proposed to the thin girl and ended up with this chubby, cellulite thing.  I desperately want to go back to the way I looked when we were dating.

Breakfast:  Tomato Soup, Dr. Pepper

Lunch: Goldfish, Water

Dinner: ??